It's all true.

That's how it was for me when I first met her.  I became spastic faster rather than paralyzed, but for a moment...there I was.  She was right in front of me, looking expectant, lovely, wonderful, cute, fun, adorable, sweet, kind, amazing, sexy, beautiful...I'm really at a loss for words.  I wish I knew exactly how to describe things, I wish I knew exactly how to pinpoint the very core of such a delicate matter that is kept at a whisper in my mind for fear that anything stronger would snap it in two.  I just wish I knew how to let her know...that while everything hands in the balance, I gladly take the entire world upon my shoulders if it meant she has an easier time sleeping at night.  I want to show her how much she means to me and what I'm willing to give.

She's so silly too. xD  I love it.  We're watchin' some horro flick, and the murderer is finally getting gutted by one of his would be victim with a pair of hedgeclippers, and all I can say is "YEAH!  Disembowel that fucker!"  and she just turns to me and says, "Bah, you're such a guy."  Lol.  Hmm, that might not be as funny as I thought it was, but I think so anyways. xP

Even when I'm stressed, and I have so much emotion welled up enough to fill ten pages with fluent tragedy, but then after I've been with her, seen her, spoken to her, just heard her voice for a few seconds, it melts away and I can hardly remember what I started crying about a few minutes before.  It's something I doubt more than a few people could ever understand...

I have been very stressed lately...that much I can remember...  Bleh, things have been really shitty for me.  My sister...she's my twin, she's run off with some guy who was living off of my mother, and I helped kick him out, which in turn, she left with him.  Not much could be done about that, but now she's pissed and wants little to do with me.
Then, there's a horrid snow storm, damn thing comes out of nowhere, and after my dental, my car slides into the other lane and into another person.  Slammed me off into the ditch, but at least things were much better than they could have been.  No one was hurt, cars fairly well banged up, though mine not so much.  I'm feeling royally fucked and sorry for myself, and when my sister finds out she calls it karma.  I...deserved it, in her eyes.  She didn't even call or talk to me to make sure I was ok.  She even came to the house for some things that night, it was like...I didn't exist.  I know I hurt her with helping to kick out her fiance but, wow...how did that happen?  I honestly wonder what she would have thought had I died, or been seriously injured.  And what would her asshole of a fiance say?  That I deserved it to?  That it saved him the trouble of the ass kicking he was threatening to give me while my sister sat next to the phone and said nothing as he yelled and swore and aked if he should come over to beat my ass.  When did feeling betrayed cause you to decide you don't care what happens to them anymore?  Or did she ever?  It's not the first time...I doubt it'll be the last.

Now I'm just trying to recover, and that's where she comes in of course.  Always so helpful, I don't know why she puts up with me when I get short tempered.  She does so much for me, and all I can do is snap at her when she's trying to help and I don't like what I'm hearing.  I'm stupid.  I let other things get in the way.  I find it hard to get past what I'm depressed about when I am, and I stupidly let it get in the way.  I'm always immediately sorry afterwards, and I almost always apologize when I get the chance...I just know that's not enough, I need to stop...I'm such a terrible boyfriend sometimes, honestly.  She deserves better...but she also deserves what she wants.  I'm not one to argue with someone about what they want, but I admit an ulterior motive to that with her.

I want her too.